Just fine
by sofiesticated
Summary: After being tortured for months, Lucy has begun to isolate herself, trying to assure people (mostly herself) that she's fine, but a certain Dragon Slayer doesn't give up on her so easy. [NALU]


**So my mcfreaking partner in angst proudtobeaginger gave me a headcanon and I JUST HAD TO WRITE IT! So thank you, Hali, for this wonderful angst idea, you are the best**

 **Triggers: Mentions of torture, implied PTSD**

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Lucy couldn't care less if her friends wanted to support her. Every time they laid their eyes on her, they were filled with pity. She _didn't_ need their pity. She flat out didn't want it. It didn't matter if their intentions were good. Couldn't they see that she wanted to be left alone?

Every time anyone dared to give her shoulder a gentle touch, or try to hug her, her mind went to complete fight or flight mode. She couldn't get close to people. They would hurt her. They would hurt her so badly.

" _Hello! I'm May. It's nice to meet you!" the raven-haired girl greeted. Her eyes were big and brown, and her face showed nothing but innocence. "My brother's are really excited to meet you! They are inside the house." She pointed the thumb towards the big, cottage-looking house. Even that building illuminated nothing but innocence._

 _Lucy nodded, putting on her million-dollar smile. "I'm excited to meet them as well. I promise I'll take care of your animal issue. That's what us mages do!"_

 _May gestured to the open door, and that's when Lucy made the biggest mistake of her life. She walked through it first. Behind her, May shut the door, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get out._

That had been the last time she had seen the sun for months.

Two months, five days, and six hours to be precise. When she was tortured, all she did was count. Count the seconds, her breaths, the amount of times she was whipped, how many times her tormenters gasped in-between their laughs, and so on. She counted.

She still counted. That was her way to cope.

How many times she had scrubbed her skin raw because she desperately needed to erase the memories of this experience. The times she woke up screaming because their faces were everywhere. How often both Gray and Erza tried calling her name outside her apartment. How many times the guild sent food her way, because _there was no way she would cook for herself._ How many times she could hear Happy cry outside her apartment. How many times Natsu had knocked on her door, trying to get her to let him in.

She counted a lot, alright.

But why couldn't they just accept that she was fine? She didn't need help, she just needed to be alone. She was perfectly fine!

But how come she couldn't leave her room? She was fine! She still woke up in cold sweat, even though she was totally normal. Things like knives, _her_ whip, her keys, and darkness would send vivid flashbacks her way, despite her being fine! A simple thing as an open door would take her breath away for hours at a time.

She was fine. Oh, so okay. She didn't need anyone, that was why she blocked every attempt of her spirits trying to go through her gate. Oh, Aquarius would have her head when she finally let them through.

The worst thing, though, was the fact that Natsu was sleeping in the stairway leading up to her apartment. Every night he would be laying there, saying goodnight to, even though he knew she wouldn't answer him. He would wake up, asking if he could come in - no - then ask if she wanted to go the guild - no - and finally sighing, saying that he would be back with food later - _I don't want it. I'm fine._

This morning was no different.

Lucy lay still in her bed, finally having mustered the strength the open her eyes to do something as productive as staring at the ceiling. She could feel the heat from her keys, which were lying on her bedside table. Loke was trying to break through, since she was weakest in the morning, but she thought ahead of him. She wouldn't bow under so easily. She needed to be alone, because _she was fine._

Outside her apartment door, she heard Natsu groggily waking up, groaning as he stretched. He did that a lot lately, probably from sleeping on the floor in such a cramped space. It was his own doing, though, so he couldn't complain.

"Morning, Luce," he yawned. Silence. If she just stayed like that, he would go away on his own. A pang of guilt shot through her heart, despite her trying to stay strong. Deep on the inside, she hated ignoring her friends, but she needed to. She was strong enough to handle herself. "Can I borrow your shower? We can talk a bit if you want."

"No," she whispered. She knew he could hear her, so no reason to waste precious energy to raise her voice.

She could particularly hear him frowning. "Lucy, please just let me in. I'm getting really worried. We all are."

Lucy sat up in her bed, pulling her knees to her chest. _Don't bow under, don't bow under, you're fine!_

For minutes, she sat in that position, fighting the nausea she was suddenly feeling - which came from her poor eating habits as of lately - her spirits trying to break through, and Natsu's obvious disappointment.

"Luce, we both know I could open your door if I wanted to," he reminded her. "And I really want to see you."

Suddenly she went stiff. She didn't know if it was the mentions of a _goddamn_ door or the fact that he could get to her. No one should be near her. She was a disgrace.

Her breath hitched in her throat, and the death grip she had around her legs tightened. The sun was blinding her vision, but she didn't care. She was _fine_.

Natsu sighed. "I could probably have worded that better."

The guilt was back. God, could she feel nothing but guilt? Oh, yeah she could. Anger, sadness, and the urge to punch a wall, but also guilt.

"Please, Lucy. Just… don't shut me out. I'm ya best friend, and I-I'm really trying not to push you here. I get that ya need space, but I just want to help."

"I'm fine," she hissed, trying to push herself further against the wall. This way, maybe she would disappear.

"I know you are," he assured her. Hell, these past days it seemed like the only thing leaving her mouth. "Can I just come in for a bit? I'll leave when ya want me to. I just gotta see you."

Lucy thought about it for a bit. Natsu wasn't one to break his promises, and he alway respected her boundaries.

A shaky sigh escaped her lips. "It's open," she whispered. Of course it was open. If it wasn't, then she might get locked in again.

With a creaking sound, the door opened. Lucy didn't look up, her eyes plastered on her pale hand with the annoyingly bright guild mark. It was mocking her, as if it was saying, 'Hey look! You're still in Fairy Tail! Your friends will help you!' But she didn't need help.

"Hey, Luce," he greeted. Lucy didn't even have to look at him to know there was a small smile on his lips. That smile that shone 'Hey, everything will be okay!', but she already knew that because everything was okay.

In return, Lucy let herself nod, greeting him emotionlessly.

His calm footsteps moved towards her bed slowly, as if she was a stray dog he had to be patient with, or else she would run away. It wasn't far from the truth, though.

As he reached her bed, he made sure to sit down far away from her, not wanting to push her boundaries. Despite having been apart for so long, Natsu knew when not to push her, and this was one of those times.

"How are ya holding up?" he asked softly, getting comfortable in the other end of her bed. He crossed his legs, placing his hands in his lap.

"Fine," she replied, almost not audible, but she knew Natsu would catch onto it.

Natsu nodded, taking in her figure.

After the whole ordeal, she hadn't just change mentally, but also physically. She had lost quite some weight, but her body had been 'decorated' with cuts, bruises and nasty wounds that were slowly but surely scarring. Wendy had healed her the best that she could, but some of the things just didn't go away.

Some things magic couldn't erase.

After a uncomfortable amount of silence, Natsu cleared his throat. "Wanna go for a walk? We don't hafta go to the guild. We can just stroll around the apartment complex?"

Hastily Lucy shook her head. She couldn't leave her apartment. It was the only place she felt remotely safe.

Natsu seems to accept the answer, leaning back against the headboard.

They sat like the for what seemed like hours, but was probably closer to mere minutes. None of them were saying a thing, and the only thing audible was the sound of their breathing, but also the annoying ticking of the clock hanging in Lucy's kitchen.

It was getting unbearable to sit like that. Confronted by the person she trusted the most, and she couldn't even get herself to look him in the eyes.

Lucy felt her eyes sting as tears gathered in her waterline. She hadn't made eye contact with him yet, but she knew that he was staring at her with a gaze full of worry. She hated worrying people when she was fine.

A tear escaped her eye, reaching her quivering lips. She was growing weak, and there was nothing she could do about but let her tears fall as her best friend was trying to figure out what to do with himself.

"Lucy, can… can I-" he cut himself off, his hands swaying above his lap. "Can I touch you?"

Without her even thinking about it, Lucy nodded, and soon she found herself slumped against him chest, his arms encircling her shoulders. His grip wasn't tight around her as her body was stiff in his embrace.

She didn't know where to start. Should she apologize? Should she do nothing? Should she ask him to leave her? She couldn't figure out what _the hell to do._

Instead, her body relaxed in the hug - for some weird reason - and her withheld sobs escaped her lips. Everything she had been holding in for the past weeks came undone, and she buried her head in his chest, crying out all of her sadness, regret, and guilt. All the anger towards herself seemed to flatten out, and bounce towards the people who had done this to her.

Natsu tightened his grip around her, burying his face in her golden locks. Small hitched breaths escaped his lips, and she knew that he was crying as well. Why wouldn't he? His best friend went missing from over two months, and began isolating herself.

For a long time, the two of them just sat in each others arms, both crying and taking on each others pain.

That was when Lucy realized that things weren't fine, but that was okay. Things didn't have to be fine all the time, and even though it hurt so, so much, she was strong. She had support, and despite not being fine, Lucy Heartfilia was okay with that.

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 **Hope you enjoyed that! Please leave** review **of what you thought!**

 **Until next time**

 **/Sofie**


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